—–Original Message—–
From: lkandl@deleted
Sent: Sunday, February 19, 2006 12:52 PM
To: rdjacobs@concentric.net
Subject: Sincere Apologies, Rodger
An Obsession of Mistaken Identity
Dear Rodger,
This is difficult for me, but I need to do this to hopefully move on. I know I sent you emails and things in the mail.
However, I don’t have recollection of what I sent except for a few things. And I have less recollection of what I wrote but I know that when I wrote you, whatever it was, was from my deepest and truest feelings. Only I thought you were someone else.
I hope I am recovering from my own black dog, the darkest and deepest depression I have known in my life.
To cope with my depression, I became psychotic and delusional. There was just so much in your writing that allowed my delusional system of coping to assume you were another. I was cross-referencing you with other writers who I imagined I was deeply in love with. Everything I wrote or sent was tied up with the others. I believe I delusionally devised a system that was derived from the writings of several, believing my original guy was all of them. A reverse multiple personality. I kept my personality but assigned the multiples to a few writers. I thought my original guy was hiding behind a number of writers easily accessed on line. The connection each of them had was interesting and only served to feed my delusions.
I must thank you, for you, Rodger were the only one to call a spade a spade and label me as the nut that I was. And that has been very helpful to me.
I’m so sincerely sorry if any of my actions made you uncomfortable, nervous and needing to carry protection. I must admit that when I read the Soup Pot Story that it took me a few minutes to realize where that came from and as depressed as I was, I thought now there’s a way to end it all… suicide by Rodger, he’ll kill me! I’ve since started a new regime of meds for the umpteenth time. I’ve been so dark and bothered by the regrets of my behavior and am deeply sorry for the inconsideration and disrespect I have shown you.
Best Regards in all that you do. My prayers are for you and that you too will find a way out of this nasty depression.
Sincerely,
Laura Kandl
See also: A Sexual Obsession With Soup Pots
“I hope I am recovering from my own black dog”
I’ll be charitable and say it’s a typo, that she meant FOG, not dog. Because otherwise …
If you listen closely, you can faintly hear “The Merry Go Round Broke Down” playing over and over and over and over…
Black dog is an old slang phrase for depression, Kitty. I’ve used it many times, hence Laura’s reference to the phrase.
The first time I read this I declared her fucking nuts. I am sympathetic to depression. I am not, however, of a mind to coddle people who terrorize others.
I hope you have a gun, knife, or at least the perimeter of your home set up with an electrical fence. And snipers.
I’m well-armed, GPG, and Laura knows it. Or at least she’d better.
So black dog means depression. Since we have German Shepherd dogs, you’ll understand my misunderstanding.
Hey, I thought I commented on this. Interesting bit here–I wonder if she’ll really clean up after this…?
Just so sad. Good for you to be well-protected, RJ.